Within hours of publishing the first post from this week-long series titled “I’m Too Much, Not Enough,” I knew this series wasn’t for everyone.

To some, the words I wrote in that first post read like a foreign language. They didn’t understand what I was trying to say. Late that night, approximately 12 hours after publication, I returned to the post, Too Much, and re-read my words. Maybe they did sound a little crazy. I made some edits to the post and it felt a little less crazy. Maybe getting a concept for a series on Sunday morning, writing and editing on Sunday night, and publishing by late Monday morning was just too quick.

When I returned to re-read and edit the post, Too Much, I wanted to type it all out, provide explanation so every one of my readers would understand the heart and logic behind the post. The things I typed here aren’t actually TRUE. They are LIES, false beliefs I’ve held about myself for way too long. I’m sharing them here so you understand the battle I’ve been facing, and I’m sharing them here so you don’t feel alone in all the ugly things you’ve thought and said about yourself. Please, understand.

But I didn’t type all those things. I made the edits I felt necessary, and left it at that. I instinctively knew – if you don’t get this post, you don’t get it. If you get it, you get it. There didn’t seem to be much middle ground on this one.

The next morning, I received a message from a reader. The reader shared that the post, Too Much, “pulled [her] out of a den of lies,” that my words “ministered to [her] in a very dark hour.” She gave thanks to Jesus, indicating He “loved me enough to allow me to read your love words and bring hope to me.”

As I read her words, I began crying instantly.

Because I believed the words I’d written were too much.

I believed the words I’d written were not enough.

I believed my writing wasn’t good enough.

I believed I hadn’t successfully explained this concept of “I’m Too Much, Not Enough” so ALL of my readers could understand.

But here’s the thing.

The words I’d written were enough.

In fact, those words were exactly what one soul needed to hear that day, that hour, that minute, that moment. Those words ministered to that reader in the way I envisioned from the very start. Because I didn’t start this blog to expose deep dark secrets, craziness, hopes, dreams and joy-filled revelations just for fun. I started this blog so you could know you’re not alone in your pain and struggle, so you’d know hope, so you’d know we’re all in this together.

The words were enough.

God provided a lifeline for both me and the reader, when we needed it most.

And that is more than enough.

Amy

*This is part two of a four-part series titled “I’m Too Much, Not Enough. To read part one, Too Much, click here.

I’m an avid reader of blogs. I can’t even begin to estimate the number of blog posts I’ve read. While I greatly appreciate and read my fair share of how-to blog posts, the ones I love most are packed with heart and soul.

I want to know – what’s your biggest battle and how in the world are you overcoming that deep, deep pain? Get real with me. Tell me how it is. And please, oh please, tell me when you’ve seen the light and you’re free to just dance and be.

In all my reading of thousands of blog posts back to August 2010, I’ve run across one sentence that’s proved to be a theme, regardless of the writer’s position on the battle field. And get this – for the most part, it’s worded the same way every time.

I’m too much, not enough.

Whatever the battle is, it comes down to this one false belief.

I’m too much, not enough.

I’m too much, not enough.

Think about that.

The enemy of our soul takes one sentence and uses it to destruct thousands of souls. He morphs and twists it into a whole host of ugly words we use against ourselves. And after all that thinking and speaking bad about ourselves, we just want to curl up in a ball and say forget it. I’m not playing the game. I’m stepping out. I’m not going to win anyway.

I’m too much, not enough.

It’s always both. Never JUST – too much. Never JUST – not enough. Nope. It’s always…

I’m too much, not enough.

The enemy of our soul wants us to believe both sides of this ugly coin. That way he can hit us from every angle.

I’ve written these words about myself. I’ve read it too many times to count. But here’s the deal. I’m tired of these words. I’m tired of these words for myself. And I’m tired of them for you.

So today I’m not going to solve this problem, but I’m going to begin bringing it into the light. And I’m starting with this part of the lie…

I’m too much.

If we bring these lies into the light, we’ll expose them for what they are – flat out lies, false beliefs we’ve held about ourselves for way too long, for no good reason. And truth is? We’ve got to release these lies. Or the enemy will keep us right where he wants us. Flat on the ground, no good for anything, and certainly not up to fulfilling the awesome plans God has in store for us.

So here we go people. I’m giving mine up. All this I’m too much I think about myself? Forget about it. Let’s put it to rest. I’m laying it all out. Right here for you. I’m bringing every false belief I’ve held about myself boldly into the light.

I’m too much.

I’m too serious. Most definitely. For sure. Way, way too serious.

I’m too intense. Like shake it off, girl. Ease up. Take a chill pill, for real.

I’m too fat. My butt is too big. And my stomach has always been too. big. My nose, it juts out just a little too much at the top. The arms, that place behind my shoulder where I have a little too much fat and it shows in pictures shot from the right angle? Too much.

So let’s get back to that too serious and too intense stuff. Like people might not want to hang too long with me because I’m too serious, too intense.

Maybe the activities I like are too boring, too quiet – like reading and writing, watching movies and gardening. Ya, those sound like cool things to do when I’m retired, not now.  

Maybe I’m too churchy, too religious, too spiritual. Maybe I talk about God too much. Maybe I crossed the line, maybe I’ll cross it again and you’ll think I’ve gone too far. I just need to stop talking about all that church stuff. It’s too much.

Maybe I’m too deep. I think and overthink too much. Just ease up. Isn’t that all I need to do? Stop. thinking. too. much. And stop thinking so deeply. Just move on. Who cares. Not everything’s that important, that necessary to think through so thoroughly. I’m just too deep. It’s all too much. I’m too much.

I want things perfect, too much.

I want to do things right, too much.

I want to make the right decision, too much.

I care what everything thinks, too much.

I can obsess about anything and everything, too much.

I write too much. Post on Facebook too much. Made a comment on someone’s blog and it was just a little too much. Shared something intimate, personal, too much. Said something in 1,400 words when I could have said it in 700? Too much. Way too much. Keep it simple stupid. I write too much, divulge too much, care too much. And ya, this post? It’s probably too much.

Explained every detail when I could have gotten to the main point in one sentence? Too much.

Texted three sentences when I could have said it in one? Too much.

Emailed several paragraphs when I could have just emailed one? Too much.

That music that I like? Too boring, too slow. Ya, some of it’s just too intense. Like nobody gets that stuff. Where in the world did I find that song anyway? And those movies? BO-RING. Dramas? Documentaries? BO-RING. That stuff that makes me cry? It’s just all too much. Movies are for entertainment, not inspiration. Stop trying to find meaning in movies. They’re just movies for goodness sake. And when I hide away in a movie theater by myself with popcorn, candy, pop and  a movie of my own choosing? That’s just weird. Too weird. Who does that anyway? 

And what about all the dreaming? You’re dreaming girl! Get real! Give up the pipe dreams and start living in the real world. This is life, not Fantasyland! Those dreams, they’re simply too big, utterly impossible. So stop obsessing. It’s all too much. Give it up. Just give. it. up.

As much as I’d like to resolve these issues, take fight against the enemy of my soul right here and now, I want to leave it like that, lay it down just as it is. Because sometimes we just need to admit, here are the lies I’ve been believing about myself. Here are the false truths the enemy has tried to shove down my throat for years. This. has been my reality.

When we take a moment to reflect and acknowledge that these are ugly words, pure garbage, perhaps we’ll get to a place where we finally get real with ourselves and say…

I’m not willing to live that way anymore.

I will no longer accept those lies as truth.

I’m believing the truth about myself is much more beautiful than this.

We’ll talk about this more as the week unfolds. In my next post, I’ll dive deeper into not enough. And I’ll wrap up this week-long series just in time for Easter; we’ll discuss why we’re truly ENOUGH, just the way we are.

In the meantime, I wonder – what are some of the lies you’ve believed about yourself through the years? In what ways have you felt like you’re just too much?

Lay them down. Lay them all down here.

Then, be gentle with yourself. Because you’re not too much of anything. You’re enough, just right, just as you are.

Amy

I freed up 21 days for rebirth.

I spent 19 days thinking, praying, reviewing journals, writing in journals, digging up evidence from the past, compiling quotes I’d gathered from the past two years, listening to podcasts, and watching Christian speakers and motivational videos on YouTube. I met with wise counsel, witnessed a 17-year-old live out her own God-sized dream, finished two books and started a third, and dug deeper into scripture. Heck, I even took my first webinar.

My time in reflection was desperately needed. And it was extremely productive in a soul searching kind of way.

By day 19, I had clarity. Complete clarity between me and God.

I’d set this time apart, and He’d set apart everything I needed to know to move forward into this rebirth.

But between days 19 and 21, things became muddied, for reasons I can’t reveal now, but hopefully someday, to give another hope – that God’s dreams for you really can come true, even when they’ve been muddied up momentarily.

This wasn’t what I expected. Not on day 19. Not when I was planning to return to blogging on day 21. Not when I’d planned big movement forward this week.

My plans, (seemed) ruined. My hopes, dashed. My expectations, unfulfilled, yet again.

I felt alone. Like it was just me and God. Like I was back at square one. After all that. Back at square one.

But then I was reminded, the clarity I received during those 19 days is irreplaceable. The evidence still remains. My heart still says yes. God still put the pieces together, and they remain true, today.

As I sat there, late that night of the 19th day, in my writing spot on the far left end of the long couch, feeling crazy, tears running down my face, feeling like it was all for naught, my dreams and rebirth and hopes and plans down the drain, like I was back to square one with a heck of a lot of work to do to get peace and clarity again, I heard this whisper…

I want you to believe this is possible. I’m calling you. You’ve been called.

I grabbed my computer. I needed to write this down. To know, remember, the first words of clarity that came to me in these moments of despair. I opened up the document where I’d written everything, the document where all the evidence I’d gathered was in one place, so I could prove to myself God truly did have a plan to rebirth my life.

I scrolled to the bottom.

And typed the sentence.

I want you to believe this is possible. I’m calling you. You’ve been called.

I sat still for a moment. The words kept coming. In an instant, without thinking it through, I decided to close my eyes, type the words I was hearing, the words I believed God might be speaking to my heart and soul in these muddied up moments.

I typed and typed and never once opened my eyes. I felt like a translator. Any word that came to my mind, I typed it. Every word. There was no editing. If I heard it, I typed it. When the words subsided, I opened my eyes. It’d been 34 minutes since I first started typing.

And this. is what I typed (pacing and punctuation is completely organic, unedited)…

I want you to believe this is possible. I’m calling you. You’ve been called. I need you to trust, believe. Know you are loved. Receive it. Believe it. Feel it. I love you deeply. Know that wherever you are, I am. I am. for you. I love you. Believe it. Know it. Feel it. There’s no need to perform. No need to act. Just be, Amy. Sit. Be with me dear. Stop this working hard, trying hard. I don’t ask you to try hard. I don’t ask you to work harder. I ask you to be. With me. Follow. Me. Trust. Me. Believe. Me. Know. Me. 

Believe when I say. I’ve called you. Believe it. There’s nothing more to say. Believe it.

Amy, you’re in the boat. I’m asking you. Come. Now. Trust. I’m here. I’m not asking you to jump. I’m asking you to come. Closer. Trust. Watch me. Watch how I love you. Watch how I sense you. Watch how I connect with you. Know. I’m here. 

Sit. And calm yourself. Be comforted by my presence. Trust I’m taking you at a pace that’s right for you. Don’t rush. Just follow. Me. You’re so tired. Lean. Lean in. You need me now more than ever. I’ve got your back. I have your hand. I’m sitting right here. 

Just be. Sit. Rest. I’m here. I know. I’ve been here before. 

Calm yourself. Calm. Know I’m here. You don’t have to perform. You’re no act for me. I’m gracious. Peace flows through me like a river. I hold no judgement for you. I seek nothing from you. But trust. 

Amy, love. Just be. In me. Stop the game. It’s not about the game. See?

It’s me. Here. Near. 

Amy, my love. You need to know. You’re not cooky, you’re not crazy. You haven’t gone off the deep end. You see, you’re with me. With me isn’t safe. But with me, you’ll find freedom. With me, you’ll find peace. With me, you’ll be. 

So Amy, dear Amy. Take care of yourself. Don’t rush. It’s in my hands. I’ve got it. 

Believe.

Be free. of it all. Worry not, dear one. Time will tell. You’ve waited. And I’ll have you wait more. For you are a patient servant. This I know. You don’t want to be patient, I know. You’re tired. You’re weary from the wait. But Amy, please, you must know. I’m here, even in the wait. 

I know. 

I hear you.

I’m desperate. For you not to work. But to trust. I’m desperate for you to know, you’re loved. I’m desperate fro you to know, you can count on me. When all else fails. Me. So believe. 

Take a breath.

Be.

Trust. 

Feel.

Know that I’m with you. 

Understand, it’s in my hands. I will reveal.

Feel.

Sit in my presence.

Lay it down.

Believe, Amy. Believe.

You’ve got this. I’ve got this.

You’re in another realm. 

And no, you’re not crazy.

Believe that.

Know that.

Trust that.

I see.

All I’ve made you to be.

It’s beautiful.

I’m waiting. 

It’s not time. 

Not yet.

Just wait. A bit.

Seek me. and all these things will be added unto you.

That’s what he said, isn’t it? That pastor who reminded you what’s most important.

Seek me. And all these things will be added unto you.

So be.

Our journey, it’s not done.

Listen. Walk. Walk with me.

You’ve got to trust. Trust that I have a plan. Trust the timing will be. Trust. 

For kingdom work is hard. There’s no easy way. They won’t understand. But I do.

So go. Be a light. Do what you need to do. Follow my commands. And trust. I’ve got you. Know. I’m here. Believe, I see you.

Be. 

You.

It’s not a game.

It’s not a play.

I am. the real deal.

I speak to you in words you understand.

I’m in the boat. W’ere here, together. I’m smiling. I truly am. I have no doubt. Cast the net. Cast it.

Do what it takes. You’ve got to believe. I’ve got you.

You’re so not trusting, so not believing.

But I got you.

Come. Closer.

Hear me speak. You are called.

It’s not possible, it’s true. 

So believe.

Hear me. Hear me.

You are called.

You are called.

You are called.

You. Are. Called.

You. Are. Called. 

That’s what I needed you to hear. That’s what I wanted you to hear. So go. GO daughter. Live it. Speak it. Do it. Do what it takes. Work at it. Live it. Feel it. Receive it. Believe it. For I am here. I am with you. I see you. I know your trials. I know your pain. I’m with you. You must trust. You must go. You must do. You must believe. Believe. 

Now go.

Go.

Go.

Go.

So today, though my logical and emotional self wanted to tell you, my dear readers, that I couldn’t come back yet, that I needed to take more of a break to get my head on straight all over again – I’ve decided to come back, in faith. Because God’s said – trust, believe, go – He’s got me. So I must. He’s provided clarity. Now I just need to trust He’ll help me work it out.

And maybe, today, you need to read those words, inserting your name for mine, knowing you’re held, loved, seen as beautiful and worthy by God. If that’s you? Do it. He speaks words of life and hope over you and in you, too.

Blessings.

Amy

With the birth of each of our children, came a rebirth of me.

I worked full-time until the birth of our first child in 2002. It was then that I realized, for the first time in my life, that I might not want to be a full-time work outside of the home mama. My mom worked full-time her entire life, so I assumed I’d do the same. My husband and I had purchased a home, and hadn’t planned our finances around me staying home in any capacity. But I knew right away, as soon as our son was born – I didn’t want to work full-time anymore. I wanted to stay home more. I worked full-time for a year and a half after that first maternity leave. And then my husband got a raise, just enough for me to stay home one day a week, so I reduced my work to four days per week.

It felt just right. And I was grateful for more time with my baby boy.

With the birth of each of our children, came a rebirth of me.

I worked four days a week until the birth of our second child in 2005. After a 12-week maternity leave at home with our daughter, I returned to my four days a week position. I remained solid in that position for one more full year. My husband was deep in the trenches with his work, and just weeks before I’d found out I was pregnant with our daughter, our entire family began managing what would become six years of the worst of my sister’s mental health and addiction issues. Add my four day a week workload, and it felt like way too much. I knew something had to change. So I made a dramatic move. I took a formal leave of absence, and cut all the way back to one day per week of work. Working one day a week worked really well for two whole years. But then my leave came to an end and I was informed, given the shortage of professionals in my field, my employer needed me back, full-time. There were no part-time options, so I opted to resign and open my own private practice.

The time was right. And I was grateful as I’d always envisioned myself in private practice somewhere along the way anyway.

With the birth of each of our children, came a rebirth of me.

I started and maintained my private practice, working 2-3 days per week, until the birth of our third child, another baby girl in 2011. At this point, we’d been through a lot. I’d been through a lot. We’d spent years managing unbelievable trauma and drama with my sister, she’d had a baby, and things had finally stabilized to the point they were manageable. For years, it seemed there was no way we could add another baby to the picture, but I didn’t feel “done” having kids and our biological clocks were ticking. So we thought hard and prayed hard. The answer was yes. It was indeed time for another baby. After I returned from maternity leave in March 2012, I continued seeing patients two days a week, and did everything else that needed to be done for the private practice when I could fit it in. (And for the most part, that remains true today.)

But things were different this third time around.

You see, after all those years of trauma and drama, after all those years of waiting, I realized what a gift we had in our baby girl. I knew and had a strong sense, for the first time in my life, that if God blessed me so richly with this baby girl, maybe He had other beautiful plans for me, maybe there were other things I was supposed to do that would fulfill me as richly and as deeply as this baby girl? Maybe He’d planned beauty from all this pain?

So I picked up the bits and pieces of a dream that had been building since the birth of our baby boy in 2002.

I’d just returned from maternity leave, and baby girl was only three-months-old. I knew it was kind of crazy, this starting something new and big when I’d just had a baby and was trying to adjust to work, again, as mama of three. Baby was still a baby, I had two other little ones, and my husband had begun a big corporate job. But God called anyway, it’s time.

So in April 2012, after seeking wise counsel, I decided, it was time to launch this blog. In-between work and dance class and baseball and changing diapers and everything else, I worked my butt off getting ready to launch this thing.

In July 2012, I launched the blog. It was no small thing as far as I was concerned. The blog was important to me, and I valued it immeasurably. It was part of a dream I’d been visioning, at that time, for nine years already.

So that brings me to today, to this post.

I’ve decided to take a three week break from blogging.

Because I know, with the birth of each of our children, comes a rebirth of me.

And while I’ve without a doubt been working towards that rebirth of me, it hasn’t happened yet.

I’ve known, for 19 months, that it’s time for rebirth. But my rebirth is different this time. It’s not just a matter of making a few adjustments and I’ll be good to go.

It’s a matter of handing my life over to God and saying – what would you have me do next?

It’s a matter of deciding – am I going to continue thinking I’m all in, or am I actually going to live all in?

It’s a matter of believing and trusting, truly following this Jesus I say I believe in.

So I’m sitting in this boat. Jesus is smiling so slightly with his gentle, gracious and patient spirit. He’s looking at me. He’s waiting. He says “give me an hour, and I’ll change your life.”

And I’m here, still deciding if I’m going to give him “this hour.” Am I ready to give it to Him, or not?

And you, my readers? You’ve found me here, in this in-between place, in this moment of deciding what’s next.

In this in-between place, in this moment of deciding, I’ll be doing practical things, logistical things, and hard things.

What are the practical things? I’ll be attending my nephew’s baptism, celebrating my daughter’s golden birthday, and spending a week with my kids during their spring break. Just as important, I’m desperate to keep my promise and call my friend, Denise, with whom I haven’t chatted for way too long.

What are the logistical things? If time allows, I’ll be updating my Meet Amy and Blog Vision pages on the blog. I’ll also be working on finalizing plans for my second annual Special Mamas series in May.

What are the hard things? I’ll be spending time in reflection and praying, hard. I’ll be reading scripture and books, reviewing old diaries, journals, and blog posts. I’d like to spend some time journaling, without editing, without an audience, to better discern what’s next. And I’m seeking wise counsel, because I can’t do this alone.

Oh ya, I might open that bottle of champagne that’s been sitting in the fridge since December 6th, and enjoy it with my husband some night. 🙂

Thank you for understanding, thank you for reading today and any other day you’ve read in the past, and know I’ll be back.

As of now, I plan to return to the blog on Wednesday, April 9th, but if I need more time, I’ll take it.

If you’re new to the site, or haven’t had a chance to read as many of my posts as you’d like, I recommend reading the two series that reflect my writing and heart best to-date, Letters to the Unthanked and Journey to Haiti. If you’d like to contact me for any reason while I’m gone, please don’t hesitate! All of my contact information can be found on the Connect page on my blog.

Blessings to you all.

Amy

“I’m thinking a mid-life crisis is not so much a crisis as it is an awakening. Either you’re upset where you’ve landed and you perceive you’re stuck there for the rest of your life, or you’re wide awake and ready to use your wisdom to launch you into an even better second half. I strive to be the latter.”

Post from my personal Facebook page – May 25, 2013

Amy

*This is the final post from a month-long series about my journey to Haiti. Click here to read all the posts in the series.

*Music courtesy of Ft. Alex Boye, Africanized Symphonic Cover of Adele’s Set Fire to the Rain